trust the pause.

It’s been almost three months since my accident, and I can’t even begin to describe how much my life has changed over the past twelve weeks. It’s been a time of healing & growing, a time of rest & relaxation, and most of all a time to just pause. For the first time ever in my life, I finally gave myself permission to just be, to be with the stillness, and to be with myself. Okay let’s be real though, I was sort of forced into this state of pause, and who knows if I would have really given myself this permission to simply just be, had it not been for the accident. But wondering about the “ifs, ands or buts” is not what this blog post is about. Bottom line is that the last twelve weeks have been transformative in the most beautiful and wondrous ways.

Processing both the emotional and physical trauma following the aftermath of the accident has been anything but easy. But as I’ve mentioned time and time again, I hold so much gratitude for even the most challenging moments and experiences, for these moments have always created space for something new and beautiful to enter my life. Sometimes these gifts come in the form of a hard lesson of some sort, or a deeper dive into my own soul. But this time, the universe and/or God sent me love in the form of a human being and I’ve fallen deeply in love with him over the past few weeks. It’s been quite surreal, and sometimes I have to pinch myself to know if what I’m experiencing is even my reality. I genuinely feel that the past few years and all the pain & heartbreak along with the healing & growing prepared me for this kind of love. The kind of love you know that is an extension of the love you’ve already cultivated within yourself. The last twelve weeks was sort of the final cherry on top to create the space to finally let someone in again. I earned this. I earned him. But perhaps this is a story for another time.

And so back to the theme of this blog post: At the end of last year, I already knew that a part of me just wanted to rest. I’ve always been a dream chaser and throughout my whole life, I’ve always been “on-the-go” and constantly thinking about what to do next. In high school, it was always about getting the best grades, performing the best in sports, or participating in the school, church and Al Ain community. Things did not change much when I started my degree in nursing at The University of Western Ontario. I was balancing school and a social life while maintaining a scholarship, participating in various student councils while also dancing on two Hip Hop teams. Post bachelor degree, I worked hard as a nurse, and developed my career by working many different roles such as team leader, preceptor, researcher, and eventually capping it off as an ICU nurse at Toronto Western Hospital. I spent almost two years working towards moving to Europe by having two jobs, studying for my GRE and applying for my scholarship. One of my biggest dreams came true in 2017 when I was granted a fully funded scholarship and I moved to Europe to pursue my Master’s Degree, after which I graduated Cum Laude. Then it was time to pursue a career here in the Netherlands, which was a tough process but fortunately I can say that I’m now working the best job I could have ever hoped for. So at the end of last year, when my brother asked me what my goals were for 2019, I said to him that I didn’t have any “real or concrete” goals for once, and that all I wanted to do was enjoy my new job, enjoy living in Europe, travel, and reap the benefits of all my hard work over the past few years. And this I knew, for the first time in my life, was completely and totally okay.

It’s so crazy how 2019 started off with my accident, right after I had set my intention of rest. The universe and/or God has been pretty spot on with sending me experiences and people just when I needed it the most, and this time was no different. The aftermath of the accident pushed me into a space I had never been before. There were so many emotions to process, especially given the traumatic experience my family had already been through in 2002 with the death of my older sister. I cried almost every day at the most random times and my meditations sits were filled with so much emotion. I would sit there crying unsure of how to process the trauma. I was not allowed to watch TV, nor could I concentrate long enough to read anything. I had constant headaches, and I couldn’t stay awake for more than an hour at a time. I was physically incapable of doing anything for myself, and obviously I couldn’t do any form of physical activity, let alone dance or workout. It was a pretty tough time in my life, both for my mental and physical health.

But things got better. They got way better, indeed. I got to spend SO MUCH time with myself, and I learned how to push through and process both the emotional and physical pain. I’ve learned so much about my own life over the past twelve weeks and I’m excited to know what else life has yet to teach me.

It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith. Find the lessons. Trust the journey – Marc and Angel Chernoff

Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us.

This.

So much this.

We have no idea what we’re in for, my friends. And the sooner we can come to grips with this, the sooner we can let life take us where it needs to go. The sooner we can enjoy and appreciate and love what we have, when we have it. And so, if there’s one lesson I’ve learned throughout this healing process, it is to just TRUST. Trust that every experience is only brought to us to teach us. To teach us to elevate so we can show up better each and every day, so that we’re constantly evolving into the best versions of ourselves.

But entering the space of the unknown takes courage. I feel you, I really do. It’s scary when we’re not sure what lies ahead on the other side of our fear. Heck, I had no idea what was going to happen or what my life was going to look like post-accident. But this I know to be true: it is in this space of the unknown where we need to stay committed to ourselves, more than ever before. We need to stay committed to our own integrity, and we build this skill of endurance, the skill of trusting. And through that, we break old patterns, and we invite new & beautiful energy into our lives. So in the moment that is unknown, where you just don’t understand, just accept, and just trust, and just let go. And you will see that life is going to bring you everything you ever wanted, but you have to choose your way into this.

Whatever the “real” reason for the accident, or whether there really is a “reason” for the accident, I will never know. But I do know that I was given the gift of time. Life has been so incredibly good to me. I have recovered fully, and have resumed all normal activities, and have even started biking again. It’s been a journey, for sure. So be patient with yourself as you learn how to receive all the goodness that is on its way to you. It won’t be easy; it certainly has not been for me. But the goodness and grace is overflowing.

So continue to trust.

Trust yourself.

Trust the journey.

Trust the pause.

Yours in love,

Loubelle

– The Phoenix