Dear Loren,

Dear Loren,

I don’t even know where to begin… well, I guess I should start by saying thank you (if I haven’t already said it enough times…)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for saving me.

This week has been incredibly emotional for me, and I’ve felt your presence all around me. I have no doubt whatsoever, that YOU were there. I walked away, practically unscathed from the accident because of YOU. Literally, every single person, be it the doctors at the hospital, the policemen at the scene of the crash, or the driver that hit me, have all said that my life is practically a miracle. I cry as I write these words because my heart aches so much at how much I miss you; and at the thought of the purpose of why you lost your earthly life so soon. Was it partly because you could save mine?

It’s been 17 years, which in numerical terms seems so long ago, but in reality, these 17 years have gone by in a blink of an eye. It only feels like yesterday that I was talking to you, you on the top bunk, me on the bottom, listening to Westlife as you recounted your days at school to me whilst we both eventually fell asleep.

I was always in such awe of you, Loren. And when you died, your love for the world around you was made manifest when diverse communities and people across borders and countries came together to honor your beautiful life. I’ve felt a small fraction of this love over the past week. Messages, phonecalls, personal visits, flowers, and cards have been pouring into my life from all across the globe. Mom told me today that it was almost as if she was re-living part of the experience from when you died, but of course, not to the full extent. The past week has been such a beautiful reminder of how far love transcends, beyond borders, and beyond nations. And this week has reminded me so much of you (for obvious reasons) but I also find it uncanny how close my accident occurred to the anniversary of your death. I get chills and goosebumps just thinking about this.

Of course, you know this already, but my healer told me a few days ago that you and I are walking similar paths. I can’t even begin to describe how this statement made me feel, but I know you saved my life for a reason. I have work to do here on this Earth, I know I do, and I want you to know that I am doing what I can to lean into this experience, and feel into the presence of my own body. I can already feel the shifts and transitions occurring within me. I have been told that I am on this beautiful path of healing, and as I begin to illuminate the light within me, that light will begin to shine through and touch others. And this is how healing spreads. I have been given new life, Loren, because of you, and I will do what I can each and every day to honor not only my life, but yours as well.

Kuya came to visit me two days ago, and I finally got to go back into the city since the accident. It was so wonderful to have him come see my “new” home here in Maastricht, and meet some of my closest friends. I know this experience hit him really hard, and I could really feel his love and protection for me. We lit a candle for you, and for me. And he kept telling me how thankful he was that we were lighting a candle for the reasons that we were instead of you know what. Mom is here now taking care of me, and Dad wishes he could be here. He still calls me every day. Lorel has also been emotional through this experience. She called me a few days after the accident, crying, telling me how thankful she is that I’m alive. She’s right, you know. She’s not the only one who has shed tears for me. So many of my friends have Facetimed me practically balling their eyes out after learning about the accident. But I’ve also cried a lot, because I’m so emotional and almost any little beauty of a moment brings me so much gratitude, and my heart (and tear ducts) just swell up.

Thank you, Loren. It is comforting to know that my path and life is being protected and guided. You really are my guardian angel. I miss you more than you can ever imagine, and I long for the day again until we meet again, although I know I came pretty close on that Saturday afternoon. But alas, it wasn’t time yet.

So until then, please know how much I love you.

Yours in love,

Your sister,

Loubelle

– The Phoenix