The Phoenix

How would you realize that you have the power to heal yourself if you weren’t first given these wounds that require your healing?

– Yaiya

It was only two years ago, immediately after my 24th birthday, that I found myself at one of the lowest points in my entire life. My heart was breaking after a brutal ending to a very toxic five year relationship. Since I was 19, my entire worth and perception of myself was based off of this relationship that by the time I got out, I hardly recognized who I was. It felt like I had hit rock bottom, and the pain was so unbearable that every day felt like a punishment. With so much free time on my hands, and no clue with how to fill it, I would spend hours on the streetcars mindlessly roaming the streets of Toronto with absolutely no destination or direction in mind. Following the separation and with no family in Toronto, or even Ontario for that matter, I was forced to move out of the condo we were living in. I was couch-surfing from friend to friend for a good few months until I finally found a place of my own. I was lost, desolate and completely confused.

At one point, I didn’t think the pain would ever go away.. until one day, it did. Okay let’s be real though. I don’t think the pain “ever truly leaves us”. The people who hurt us and the experiences that shape us will always be a part of our story, but as we heal, we just find ways to change our narrative and transform our pain into something greater. And that’s exactly what happened.

My pain transformed into something SO MAGICAL.

Who knew that hitting rock bottom would be the beginning of the greatest adventure of my adult life. 

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Living off of my friends’ couches for about two months. Yeah, times were really rough.

My pain was the catalyst for this incredible journey of healing & transformation, and since then I have dedicated my life to being a student of love and life.  The universe broke me down to break me wide open. I discovered meditation and through that, along with some coaching (shout out to Mark Groves & Kelsey Grant!) and other self-care practices, I was invited to the depths of my own soul. Before I knew it, my own heart became my new place of refuge. I focused on expanding my heart even in the middle of heartbreak, and cultivated a love for myself I didn’t even know was possible.

By no means do I feel that I have reached a peak in my healing journey; I’ve still stumbled, and I’ve still “made mistakes”. As a matter of fact, by 2016, I found myself in another relationship. This particular relationship was so beautiful in many different ways but again, it served its purpose for acting as a mirror to some of my deeper wounds (but perhaps that’s a story for another time).

These two significant relationships served two different purposes but nonetheless, they both taught me so much about myself. I hold so much gratitude for my pain because I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for those experiences. I’ve never been more in love with my life than I am at this very moment. My pain cleared the fog, and now I see magic everywhere.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned over the past two years, is that healing isn’t linear by any means at all. As each day presents itself differently from the day before, I find myself constantly learning, sometimes re-learning, the different parts of myself that I have grown to know and love. The cycle is never ending – the birth, the “death”, and the re-birth.. always changing, always evolving, and adding layer upon layer to myself and my beautiful story.

And alas, this is where I gained my inspiration to name my personal blog “The Phoenix”. In Greek mythology, the Phoenix is described as a bird that is cyclically reborn again and again. The Phoenix gains new life by burning in its own flames and rising from its own ashes. This combustion represents the death of old habits and belief systems, and with this process, there comes to life a new creature – a fusion of whom it was before and who it had become.

“A new bird, yet ever more himself; changed, and at the same time the eternal Phoenix” – Elizabeth Lesser

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Circa 2015. The beginning of this incredible journey.
Algonquin Park

Sometimes, I might refer to “The Phoenix Process” which is a term inspired by Elizabeth Lesser in her book “Broken Open” where she goes into depth about her transformational journey. My life is now my Phoenix Process. Every moment is an opportunity to respond with love, to discover different parts of myself and simply, to just grow.

I believe so strongly in the power of story-telling, and I created this blog as a passion project to share my own. This blog represents me and here, you’ll find a concoction of different themes, stories, and experiences. Whether it’s about my past, my present, or thoughts about my future; Or about Europe, and what it’s like to be a third culture kid and live in a different country, or tips on traveling and food reviews, or reflections on my day and what my meditation practices have shown me. Regardless, it will always be through a lens of growth & transformation, pain & healing, kindness, gratitude, empathy, forgiveness, compassion, and above all LOVE.

Still, I am learning. this is my journey, so let’s journey together my friends.

Love & Light,

Loubelle

– The Phoenix.

4 thoughts on “The Phoenix

Add yours

  1. That was beautiful… I made the assumption that your exploration into self and re-discovery of self worth may have begun after a relationship had ended.

    How brave of you to share your pain with others.

    I very much enjoyed your first entry and look forward to reading of your adventures and explorations.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. wheiw Loubelle! you have grown a lot more have I imagined! very mature and responsible! experience is shaping you up to be better version of yourself and to be someone’s loss as well 🙂 GOD bless all your plans and dreams.

    Like

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